Xxx


You seem to think that I do not know better.
Deep down,
we both know how this story
ends.
Deep down,
You love me but,
tonight
Love is not enough.

I am not enough to calm
those anxious fears,
the insecurities that keep your
Eyes wide in the night.
Sometimes you talk to me
as though I have become an enlivened,
tailor-made version
of your best friend, but
I am not anyone but
someone loving to keep you warm and
fill you up.

You don't know me
as though you really see
my shape in the doorway,
or my spirit as something touchable
Beneath the need of
Your fever dream, and
my own feverish words,
You don't hear them
From my mouth beyond
something beautiful and
Distracting.

I could give you everything
and maybe one day I will, but
Maybe tonight
I need to run
and I need you to let me,
Let me give myself away
and forget all the aching
My hands are tied, and
Maybe it's all too much
to believe in the things I say
Maybe I
have nothing else to lose,
Maybe I could give up and
Just fall without
a soft place to land, maybe
Just like heaven
I am just a messenger.
I am just your lapland.

I am just cowering under this
Nostalgic pillow-fort,
a little girl
clinging to the memory of
Your mouth and falling into
Everything
Everything will fill my bones,
And I'm waiting
to jump in headfirst.

With or without you.






(Sometimes I'd like just to ask you
what honest words you can't
afford to say.)