it's time.

At first, this was going to come to light in the form of a letter...but I decided to borrow a friend's idea and instead post it here, although in my case it will be a one time affair, as opposed to a series. I normally choose to leave my blogs fairly vague and obscure; this is a matter of personal preference for the period in my life but is also a defense mechanism sometimes, and a way of trying not to broadcast my personal affairs too far beyond certain realms. Not because I find this inappropriate or excessive, I just never am quite sure whether it is okay with whoever may be involved in my postings, so I leave things open ended and allow people to draw their own conclusions. A lot of times, I think it's more challenging this way, to myself and to whomever may read my blog. However, I have been been doing a sizable amount of thinking in relation to this particular subject and decided I wanted to be openly heard this time around. I want my feelings on this matter to be laid out, unfolded, and creased upon the table, because it's important for me to rest with a little more ease knowing I didn't allow the status quo to remain a stale question mark, not without, at the very least, an effort to share my thoughts. I don't like feeling like I have been fully censoring myself for the sake of others, holding back my stream of consciousness for fear of stepping on toes and agitating the still waters. I refuse to keep quiet just because it is your preferred choice of action, because it is easier and less hurtful, more peaceful and backed away from the boundaries of conflict, which I know you are not a fan of. My intention is not to cause conflict, however....or to cause any sort of guilt or assumptions. I don't expect agreement, apology, confrontation, or even a response at this point in time...as has been the custom anyway. I just need you to read this and consider it, and hear me. Because I have come too far to let my level of self respect drop a few notches because I am ashamed enough about decisions I have made in the past, or my tendencies, to force myself to accept the past couple of months and hover in this suspended reign of static nothingness.

What I am getting at, more specifically is- I'm not really okay with everything. I'm not angry, and I hold no grudges, I'm not bitter or confused or throwing myself any degree of pity party-because I'm not blind to the areas in which I myself have gone, and went, completely wrong and made some bad decisions. I know what was brought upon by my choices, my own actions...and I also know some things occurred that were beyond my control. I am perfectly aware of certain reasons that may exist for why you did what you did...that is why I told you I don't blame you. Because in fact, it would be more logical to blame myself, and yet I refuse to do that also, because I don't believe either of us are entirely at fault. There were some challenging circumstances, I know...and I know you bit your tongue on more than one occasion because you wanted me to be happy and free, even if it was at your expense, and you knew what it would cost in the long run. I could never thank you enough for allowing me to truly be myself, no matter how much of a mess I might have been, and for loving every individual sliver of fiber, physical or metaphorical/metaphysical, making up the woman and spirit that I am...regardless of flaws in character, regardless of anything and everything that shadows the light in me, regardless of how difficult (and yet contradictingly easy) it may be sometimes to love a free spirit. I shared more of myself with you than I have shared with most, I hope you know that, and know that I don't regret any of it, not in the slightest. But I digress- this is not a "farewell " letter, meant to stir up tears, regrets, or old feelings, revisited...it's just something I need to do, because it is haunting me enough to make me feel a little robotic most days, waiting for something that refuses to come, was maybe not meant to come in the first place. I know how difficult and trying things got after the joyous whirlwind of magic that was our autumn... and I had no intentions on allowing my descent to bring you down, to rope you up and pull you into the depths of the stone wells of despair when I was drowning. I did not expect to be saved, I didn't feel self entitled to a knight in shimmering coats of majestic power to come woo me off my feet and carry me off into the blinding rays of setting sun, no- I promise you, you were not simply some crutch to hold me up and distract me, a phase, a certain shade in my calendar book. And I apologize if this is the way things came off to you, as I'm sure they did in some points of time. It was never my intention to put the weight of responsibility on your shoulders when I went downhill, to make you wait around for the rebirth- phoenix, rising from the smoldering ashes-nor to make you fall in love with me, only to be forced to let me go and float on [feeling as though the period of time we shared was nothing more than a waking dream, something a soul of a poet, a musician would conjer up out of hope.] You and I both know you chose this. And to some degree, I believe I also know the majority of reasons. I know sometimes it is less painful to let time do the talking...and I'm okay with that. I acknowledge the various degrees of reasoning involved here. What I'm not okay with is the decision to quietly move on and allow the door to shut itself with barely a resounding tap as you tiptoe to another room..
probably to record words that morphed from a story, a tale of two lovers, to something easily generalized to fit an emotion instead of a person, someone special.
I know you held no expectations of me...I know you wanted me to have complete liberty. Again, thank you. But maybe this is one area you went wrong. This is something I am coming to understand is not as acceptable to me as I thought, originally. As wonderful, compassionate, and selfless you were most times, allowing me all the breathing room I needed (which is something very crucial, don't get me wrong- to a certain degree) perhaps you SHOULD have had expectations. Because I did. I expected you to be honest with me. Not by omission, or blank spaces. I didn't expect you to pull me out of the bubbling swamp muck, or even to throw me a line, or wait on the shore as i slowly, inch by inch, worked my body parts out one by one. I was not ever playing victim. I warned you far in advance of what was on the horizon...and no, I didn't expect that to mean I could use "I told you so" as an excuse when it was all said and done. It was simply because I wanted to put myself out there for you, to open up more than I had ever been willing to do in the past with someone I cared so deeply for, allowing you to see darker shades of my soul than I ever believed I would be able to share with anyone other than myself (and sometimes not even.) I didn't expect you to get your hands dirty. But I did expect you to care enough about who I was a person, not just me as a creative-inspirational feeder-passionate-dreamlover-ladybug aglow, but me as a whole entity (even the stranger I am apt to become in rough times, as many others are prone to do as well) to come clean with me . Mind you- NOT care enough to stick around, because I wouldn't expect that of anyone who was no longer in love...but it would have been nice to know you were still there, anyway, even if your faith and fascination had dwindled and faded...as a friend, if nothing else. Instead, there was silence. And as suddenly as I had felt filled that fateful October, I felt completely alone. Used.Not to say you didn't feel that way too at some point..and I'm sorry if this is the case. But.. Love or no love, I felt as though first and foremost I was simply an outlet you plugged yourself into, and then, nearly as rapidly, out of, afraid to admit out loud that the possibility had dawned that it was indeed an idea that most hypnotized you, a vitality and a brightness of spirit, a mystery and a state of living that took on the guise of dreaming, instead of an actual being, soul, itself.
An air sprite archetype.
Easy to fall in love with,
just as easy to leave that same love behind without a second glance.

I'm sorry if I hurt you, it was the last thing I wanted...and the last thing you wanted too, you even said so. But it's not fair for me to take all the fall. You did hurt me too. I just needed you to know that. I know you are sorry...as am I. So please, remember I mean it when I say the point of this is not to force an apology or regret out of you. I just want some things to be clear...and in order for my own mind to achieve a degree of clarity, I had to detox some of this.

I resented the fact that you told me the person I had become was not the person that I truly was, that the person I was when we met was the real me (buried beneath a layer of shit-my words, not yours). Suffering or no, I was still me...maybe not as inspiring, maybe not as fiery...but me, all the same. And as I mentioned, I didn't expect saving grace. I know I told you it was something I had to deal with on my own, that only I could help myself. But please don't blame your disappearance on my request for time and space, because that would be asking me to believe it was an act of yielding compassion. And it was not. Understanding and quietly accepting, expressing your affections..yes, that was. But not even bothering to explain to me what was happening, not taking the time and effort to let me know and be honest? No...that was cowardly. You wouldn't have even had to explain your actions in depth, if it was too much for you to do- I wouldn't have thrashed and screamed and bitched, if I knew it's what you needed and wanted, or thought best. But I wasn't even given the respect of .." Hey, here's the deal. I need to break free of this. Period."
I was left to wonder and beat myself to a bloody pulp over it, feeling like such a heartbreaker and a royal, pathetic mess, when I don't feel as though that is a complete and adequate picture at all.

I'm sorry if this is all a little much. I don't mean to overwhelm you, I promise. It was just past due time for me to stand up for myself and for my beliefs and say these things, and close the space and tense energy between us that I've been hovering in instead of waiting for you to do it for me, like a pussy. I'm doing this not out of some show of power or resentment, because like I said, I have no hard feelings, I assure you. I just feel that I owe it to both myself, and to you, to tell the truth. Because everything I ever told you was the truth... and because I love you too much to stand by passively and allow the white noise to build without my words being heard. It's the only thing I can do, so I have to do it.

There are many more things I want to say, but I think this is sufficient right now. I don't want to go overboard (too late, possibly)...and after the rush of rememberance-tide hit me inwards, I'm exhuasted and can only hope that the rest you will somehow already know, inherently.

I still think about you every day..
and I will never stop being sorry for the course of things-
and yet, if I could go back, I wouldn't trade any of it,
not for any amount of beautiful, abundant thing
on the face of this earth.